Worry, fear, anxiety were certain key emotions which I was becoming increasingly aware of. They were being played to me at ever greater intensity until finally I cracked up, sat up and took notice. It was a few years prior to the stock market crash of early 2000 and I was using the perfect vehicle, investing in highly volatile small high tech shares. God had a field day with my emotions losing thousands one day and gaining it all back the next. When I won I was immensely pleased but not as pleased as I thought I should be, especially with one share up 96 times in a couple of weeks. When I lost, I was overwhelmed by a crushing sense of loss, far more than I thought I ought. I could feel my mind tighten around my skull as it sought desperately for a way out of the loss, numbing all sense of reason, panicking at having lost so much money. While I had indeed lost a lot of money at certain points, compared to what I had made in the year I was still well in profit. What was going on? This panic was getting in the way and causing me to sell when I should be buying and buying when I should be selling. My emotions were playing havoc. If I had been devoid of these interfering emotions, a rough calculation on my profits, would have been bigger by a factor of ten. I would have made a million not a few 10’s of thousands so I was mighty disappointed with these emotions. With money set as the goal I was determined to get to the bottom of this and sort out these emotions. Vast profits lay ahead.
It was at this very point, after a crushing loss on Pace electronics, diving only a day after I bought them that I began the task. To separate emotion, worry, fear and anxiety from the physical event. These emotions were patterns in my being, deeply rooted and frankly were getting in the way of making some serious money. They exhibited themselves by attaching themselves to physical events, to exert themselves over the individual. This continual reinforcement, by attaching to real physical events is what made these emotions so powerful. In this case it was the sense or fear of loss attached to money. We all hate to loose and loosing money, watching it slip through your fingers on the screen of the computer was particularly poignant. Through all of the chatter I could hear my inner voice guiding the purchase and sale of shares, contradicting the emotions prevalent and my mind. Emotions told me to buy when the going was good when the share was higher and sell when the going was bad when the share was lower. Intuition was guiding too, but during the direst moments when the cumulative fear of the market was at its zenith, to buy when you thought you should sell was a hard act to follow. Providing you picked the right
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shares then this was an amazing strategy. But during the dark moments of a crashing share price and profit warnings, my nerve undermined by emotions running amok, gave way and bowed to emotional turmoil wrecking the intuitive guidance and loosing potential profits.
It was when I looked back in my notes at all the shares that intuition had recommended that I really sat up and took notice. Had I followed intuition’s guidance and not been shaken out of the market by my mind’s lack of nerve, had I kept the shares I was supposed to, and bought the recommended amount of each share instead of a more conservative amount, dictated by the mind. Then prior to the big tech stock crash I had lost out to the tune of 1 million pounds by following mind, not intuition. Intuition had however been running a bit of a scam, testing my trust at every opportunity. It wasn’t as easy as just buying the share with intuition’s guidance and seeing instant profits. Under intuition’s guidance, I would often have to buy a share just before it temporarily plummeted in value, forcing my mind to panic me into selling, but then to my horror, some months later, the share I no longer owned would sail away up and up into the distant sunset, defying both logic and gravity. Many shares went up by 100 times in a couple of years. So when I invested an average of £5,000 in each share you can see my disappointment.
Over the years of trading, sat alone at my computer in my little village, I had found the start of the trail, to begin to separate emotions from events, and it was here that I was given the opportunity to see that they were two totally independent parts, not one as I had thought.
This whole period of life was not about the money, although to me this was the carrot on the end of the stick. It was all about learning to separate emotion from events. The stock market was a cold, cool environment to practice in, where events happened on a daily basis, triggering fear where no one could get harmed. It was just my bank balance which either went up or down. And it was this relationship with the chief stockbroker which led to a growing trust that he did in fact know better than I did, if he wanted to. My mind reading the Financial Times and churning through facts and figures was no match for his divine insider knowledge and intervention. He after all knew it all, present, past and future.
I had learnt that an event was independent of the emotion and could go one way or another, independent of the emotion which was trying to attach itself to the event. In fact the paranoia from the emotion attaching to the event
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could even bring the feared event into action. Worrying or fearing an event certainly was not a way of event prevention. Inner knowing on the other hand could be a more likely indicator of which way an event would go, as this was based in the now. Whereas the pattern of emotions attaching to events was based on past experiences laid over today’s events.
Through dabbling through stocks and shares, the mind through research of old data and patterns tried to interpret the future, but it was pretty blind as everything it knew was based on the past. Emotion, fear, greed and worry were totally independent of the present event, but instead relied on attachment to the present event for its very existence. Without this attachment in the physical world the emotion could not exist and would become powerless. But this emotion was clever and when unseated from one event would soon find another event it could, unknown to you, attach itself to.
In my case I had an overriding sense of fear of financial loss. Every time the fear appeared, I would check and calculate my financial position in my head and check all was okay, and then try and continue. This emotion was indeed powerful, but over time, and by constantly being aware of it, in this artificial situation of profits and losses on the stock market, I began to see through this trick. I had begun to separate the physical event from the emotion and in doing so knocked the wind out of that emotion. This I began to repeat across many of my patterns. This wasn’t so that I could become emotionless and cold, but quite the contrary, so I could be more aware and helpful in life. It was to prevent these old patterns ruling and ruining life. I did not want to be ruled and entrapped into old patterns of my past reflected into the present. I wanted to live my life now, not then.
I thought I had conquered this emotion of fear of financial loss but it was a tough nut to crack. It was some time later when it reared it’s head again. I had to my benefit, a good level of understanding of the problem and it’s effect was obvious in my energy field so I was compelled into physical action as before. It all started when we sold our business and house. We became income-less, but we were still pretty well off and our outgoings were very modest. There was nothing to worry about, but I felt poor, nearly bankrupt yet at our present rate of expenditure it would have taken nearly 50 years to exhaust our cash supplies. So you can see how stupid these emotions are and the patterns they re- enforce in our life. These patterns can create war, hatred, murder, passion, and success, they can react positively or
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negatively in your life, but all the same they control your life.
It is always harder to break a positive pattern because who wants to stop being successful, there isn’t much incentive. So on the practical side, the physical reality, I was wealthy yet the old pattern was triggering a sense of loss and poverty. It was so convincing, even when I sat and looked at all the bank account balances I could not shake off this sense of impending financial doom. I did eventually crack this particular event and now feel like it is more or less gone but the final way to shake this off was through an energy shift in my body accomplished over another year. The cause had been an old life pattern, which had risen to the surface, causing all this havoc. The events of the following year were brought about to help dissolve this pattern.